Dah Habis Disember?

Saya memulakan bulan Disember dengan harapan bahawa saya dapat menulis dengan kadar kekerapan yang lebih tinggi, atau setidaknya sama seperti bulan November. Tapi malang sekali, saya tidak dapat menulis dengan sepenuh hati.

December has been totally different from what I expected. Nevertheless, a lot also have happened in this one whole month. For one, both my paternal grandfather and grandmother have fallen sick during Raya Haji. It was after we went back to KL during Raya Haji that they were sick.

Having to see my grandmother in that condition just really makes me feel so negative. It is very demotivating and I just couldn't bare to see her struggle even to speak. She has now lost her ability to speak as nobody can understand her sayings anymore. Bedridden and having to have other people to help her to clean her everyday, she somehow lost herself easily and we were scolded for helping her sometimes..

It saddens me to even think about it. It is a sight I would not want to see. Nothing can make you happy if you just lost your ability to move around and to be able to talk. From one side, it is the time where you lost your ego, where you just lost what God has given you in life. Patience is the one thing that is not with her. I have never seen her being mad with things before this. She was a calm person, but somehow with what had happened to her, she is seen to be taking it hard. Looking on at the other side of it, I don't know how will I take it if I were to be her.. I just could not imagine... and I might be worse in dealing with it... only God knows..

Well, nobody can expect that things like this would happen to her. She was all well when we left kampung that day, and by midnight, everything's changed. It was all so sudden. Though I believe that fate is in God's hands, but when something bad happened to us, I bet our first reactions to it would not be so good. It is during the hardship, or after it has passed that you would sit down and contemplate and accept, whatever Allah has given us, be it good or bad.

With my grandmother in that condition, my grandfather soon after fall sick too. I guess, part of it is because he is also saddened by the fact that his wife who have always been healthy, is now not up and about anymore. And now, both of them are being taken cared of by my uncles and aunts back in Pahang. Throughout that first week, we went back to Pahang 3 times and I had to skip 2 days of classes during that week.

As for now, we are working on with the traditional methods of curing both my grandparents, as my grandmother refused to be treated by the doctors when she suddenly lost herself and jumped out of the bed while the check up was done when my parents brought her to the hospital. My father had to sign a letter saying that the hospital won't be make responsible if anything happen to my grandmother. It was just.. I don't know.. maybe frustrating in a sense..

I just hope, I really just hope that Allah will make it easy for her... I just don't want her to suffer..




Right, moving on with FSTEP.

Part of why I didn't get the chance to update my blog was that it was the time for us in FSTEP to sit for our final assessment. I found it somehow or rather a bit stressful, as I felt a lot of pressure from all sides, particularly from the management and from my ownself. I have to sit for 2 subjects, Islamic Banking and Investment Banking, where we had 2 papers for each subject. I started revising a bit late, compared to the mid term assessment in October. The exam was on the 23rd of December, and the weekend before that, I studied together with Yunos and Napi at their faculty in the UM.

It was all okay on Saturday, but on Sunday when we went there, I started to sneeze non stop and my temperature was already quite high at that time. During the night, I just couldn't sleep because I really felt like I was boiled.. and I woke up around 4.30 in the morning and took a long shower to cool myself down. What made it worse was the terrible headache that comes with it. It was just too bad!

After Subuh, I went to FSTEP with Fayad and Napi with his car, even though I couldn't actually walk like a normal person would. Remembering it back, I thought that I could faint anytime while walking from the carpark to FSTEP.. it seems like miles away though it was only a 2 minute walk. I went to my class, dumped my bag and went to the Surau to sleep. The headache was getting worse by the minute, and I just couldn't take it anymore.. I felt like I was gonna die, seriously. It was horrible!

The symptoms are quite the same for dengue fever, and I was afraid that it could be just it. Around 2pm, after some restless hours of sleep, I opened the water tap and just put my head down the running water. I really had to cool my head.. it was really, really bad!

I felt better with that, and went to the clinic to get some medication, with some extra headache of the fact that I have to sit for my exam the very next day! At almost 5pm, I went back home with Napi and Fayad, with Aainaa who willingly accompanied me to my house so she could help me walk and hold my things for me. After sending me, they went out to get something for me to eat. That night I did not manage to do any revision, I just slept throughout the night.. thinking what's gonna happen tomorrow.



So the next morning, again both Fayad and Napi helped me and we went to FSTEP together. I did the exam to the best of my ability, but I really did not push myself as hard. I was just doing it so that I can finish it as quickly as I can... I just couldn't be bothered with it anymore.. I just want to get some rest and sleep..


I finished my papers that day and waited for my parents to come and fetch me up. I went back to Subang... and just got back to my place in Pantai Dalam today.. and I finally found out that it was not dengue after all... though the symptoms are very much the same.. and the fact that I have had dengue before this makes it all worse.. as those who have had dengue, there are higher chances of them getting it again.. but alhamdulillah, though Allah tested me with this fever at the very wrong time for me.. I know Allah did that so I can be stronger, so I can be close to Him more.. and I thank Allah for everything that He has given me.. be it good or bad..


Now that I am at the very end of my journey in FSTEP, and at the very end of the year 2008, and at the beginning of a new year of 1430Hijrah, I can say that:

1. I love the year 2008 so much as it has taught me all the bad things and all the good things in life. This is gonna be the year that I treasure the most, the year I became 25 years old, the year I became much wiser than I can ever imagine.

2. On this part, I really have to say that one of the most beautiful verses in the Quran that I treasure the most is verse 216 of surah al Baqarah which reads that,

Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.

It is just so beautiful....I fell in love with it the first time I read it.. and knowing the meaning behind it, and relating it with life just makes all the hardships in life seem so small..though I sometimes am not as calm and peaceful with the facts of life, but this verse will help me to keep myself on the ground most of the times..

3. Of all the things that have happened in my life, 2008 is by far the saddest year and the happiest year as well. But I really have forgotten all the sadness that have happened to me during this year.. so much so I feel all content and happy with the way things are right now.

4. But having said that, there are some issues that are not yet settled. As of now, I really don't know how to deal with it the right way. I might just hurt some people in the process of settling it, or I might just do nothing about it. I really don't know yet. But I just hope that God will do justice to those who hurt me, to those who make my heart bleed.. for it is just unacceptable, and I hope they know just how bad I felt with the way they treated me...

5. Finally, spiritually.. this year have seen a lot of ups and downs for me. Though it's true that iman kita ada naik turunnya, I believe that I have all the power and necessary tools to make sure that my relationship with Allah grow stronger day by day. This is gonna be one of the things that I want to improve in this coming year, insya Allah. I know, Allah will surely help me with this..



To end this very long entry, all I want to say is that... I can never say enough in one entry!!

So till next time,

Signing off for now,
Azila.